To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many
EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately.
Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and
abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape),
PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots."
Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs)
to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shit),
FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch)
or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of
a car crash do not have to include phrases like
"negative vehicle to vehicle interface"
or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals,
not "glow worms."
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of
drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons
as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC
(Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT
(dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity
of our patients to include their medical orientations in
creating proper narratives and log entries.
shy female in the gynecology room.
Her private physician arrives to see her,
but you can see that he is not in a particularly good mood.
After much coaxing, the patient agrees to a pelvic exam.
How many people will open the door during the exam?
The Ranks of a Hospital
Surgeon . . .
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more productive than a train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God
Internist . . .
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved
General Practitioner . . .
Leaps short buildings with a
running start and
favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God
Resident . . .
Barely clears a picket fence
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without
inflicting self-injury
Swims well
Talks with animals
Intern . . .
Makes high skid marks on a wall
when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a train
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls
Medical Student . . .
Runs into buildings
Wets himself with a water pistol
Cannot stay afloat without
a life preserver
Mumbles to himself
Recognizes a train two out of three times
Nurse . . .
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth
and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
SHE IS GOD!!!